OK. Yes. I haven’t written for a while.
Am I still trying to get awesome?
Yes. In my mind.
Am I getting more awesome?
Not sure. Current state of despondency pollutes vision and wants to say no, but self-conscious conscience is heroically slapping the cheeks and saying “get a grip”.
The long and the short is, I’m not sure of what to do next.
I feel dissatisfied with my current state and direction.
This can be rationalised with theories on upbringing, societal pressures, age, hormones, last meal consumed, number of hours spent alone prior to evaluation, amount of sleep recently achieved (yes, achieved is the most appropriate verb) (readers who have offspring are rolling their [bloodshot] eyes, I know) and so on.
But that does not help improve the situation. I am dissatisfied.
“Well don’t just sit there moaning, do something about it!!!” – I hear you cry.
Yes fine, I am quite happy to, but what???
I met up with an old friend today, and had planned to go in with shining eyes and bouncy step, but almost immediately gave myself away as slumped and jaded.
It was Monday, I suppose.
Precipitating the end goal is my biggest problem – I don’t know what I want. This is a chronic disease. It may well be infectious. It may even be part of a wider pandemic. A seasonal one perhaps (every autumn, thou shalt suffer from sickness of the soul). I feel confidant that were I to identify what I want, getting it would be less of a issue (naive perhaps, but grant me my threadbare optimism).
I do not feel like a glorious warrior of light. I feel like a trudging dull-eyed troll, cynical and sneering.
I feel uninspired, and uninspiring.
Is this what happens to everyone?